neutronjockey

Writing with Depression
I’ve been meaning to write a post to talk openly about working with Bipolar II, PTSD, and chronic insomnia …and how that related to creative endeavors.
Colin Roswell has opened up the floor over on his blog to this very discussion. I’m not sure if his personal invite was a complement or an insult ;). (j/k, I don’t need Colin to tell me how ‘special’ I am.)

Colin asks specifically about depression, but I want to address hypomania as well. Bipolars don’t get one without the other. I’ll answer in the order of Colin’s questions on depression and add my own information on PTSD and chronic insomnia and how this trifecta plays on each other:

First of all, who I am: I am a 30 year old disabled veteran, a former member of the Silent Service, and a student of literature and languages.

1. What is depression?
Depression for me is a feeling of worthlessness. Depression means getting up in the morning making coffee and sitting in front of the computer and mindlessly surfing the web. Depression is not wanting to face the world. PTSD often triggers depressive cycles, or exacerbates them. Something as simple as a trip to the VA hospital can result in a few days to a couple weeks of depression. Depression with chronic insomnia means that 3 a.m. is the loneliest time, no one else is up, and depression tells you it’s not because they’re sleeping: it’s because they don’t care about you.
Conversely, hypomania is awesomeness! Hypomania is the ability to accomplish many things, rapidly. Hypomania can also mean extreme agitation (with people, but screw ‘em, when you’re hypomanic you don’t need the world anyway!). Hypomania with chronic insomnia means that I have 8+ extra hours of the day to get just.that.much.more.done. Unfortunately, what seems like a grand idea under a hypomanic phase at 3a.m., is probably not really that grand of an idea. I have come terribly close to shooting myself (professionally) in the foot under a hypomanic+insomnia phase. Really, the idea CAN wait until you’ve had some sleep to think it over.
Hypomania+Insomnia+PTSD means you have a seemingly endless capacity to spew words onto the page. It’s not uncommon for me to enter into a hypergraphic state and kill 80K words in a 48-72 hours period (eat that Jay Lake!), they are of course nonsensical, unpublishable, emotional dribble (damn you Jay Lake!). Occasionally I’ll find a publishable snippet that’s salvageable. Sometimes…

2. How is it different from just having a bad day?
A bad day is realizing that you forgot about the French chapter test that you were having that day. Depression makes you think of ‘the other alternative’ to living a stressful life.

3. What does it feel like on the inside?
For me, depression, on the inside, only needs one word to be described: empty.

4. What can it look like from the outside, ie from the perspective of friends/acquaintances?
I spent 9 ½ years in the military. I’ve learned to mask my depression pretty well. Unless you’re someone real close to me, you understand my body language… then really, I can fake a happy, normal life (just as well as you’re doing right now ). I’ve learned that’s it important to communicate and be vocal about depressive and hypomanic moods with my wife, it’s important to keep the ones closest to you tuned in to where you are at. The PTSD is a little tougher to conquer. There are just some things/experiences that I’m not ready to vocalize.

5. In what way is depression a part of your life?
It is what it is. I am who I am. I’ve had to learn to allow myself the down time and off days. Depression and hypomania can be personally and professionally destructive, so for me it means having to be as open and honest with people as I possibly can be before forging a personal or professional relationship. “Look, I’m agitated today, it’s not you, I just don’t feel like going out.”
It means having to limit my activities. During a hypomanic phase I can accomplish anything, I’ve gotten in over my head in the past during the peak of hypomanic zeal to find myself unable to accomplish everything I had obligated myself for…because the subsequent depressive phase set in and the motivation to accomplish anything was thwarted by my jaded sense of self-worth.
I’ve challenged friendships and professional alliances because I can’t exactly choose a hypomanic phase (look, I’ve got 2 weeks of intense productivity coming up, I CAN DO IT! —doesn’t happen), or a depressive cycle. You have to be realistic when approaching professional endeavors and not overload yourself.
PTSD is a part of my life that is difficult to deal with… I’ll give you an example: a couple of months ago I was in a bookstore and passed by a copy of Tim O’Brien’s The Things They Carried. On seeing the cover I broke down in sobs in a public bookstore holding the book in my hand. While someone might say that’s such an embarrassing thing to do… I say it’s better than the alternative of letting PTSD eat you from the inside. I spoke to one combat veteran in particular who since Viet Nam has been arrested 19 times, fired from over 30 jobs, and strangled his first VA clin psych counselor (“The little snot-nosed shit wanted to know how it felt to go to war, so I choked the little *#$%er and told him how it felt to watch your best friends faced get sucked out of one side of his head and his eyeballs pop out of his skull from high powered sniper rifle.”) This vet and I set at the VA pharmacy—after he was done with his anger, and we cried. “I used to be a peace-loving hippie kid. I don’t know what happened to me.” Living with PTSD, managing my PTSD fairly well, means shouldering the responsibility of my fellow veterans and helping them with the things they still carry.

6. If you live with depression, how/when did you first realise it? Was there a formal diagnosis at some point?
? Hell if I know when I first realized it? With a family background in bipolar I had always suspected/ been wary that I might have bipolar. It is hereditary. My diagnoses for chronic insomnia came in 2000, my diagnoses for bipolar II was in 2005, labeled as cyclothymia (I’m a rapid cycler thanks to insomnia and PTSD triggers). PTSD was given a preliminary diagnoses in 2006 and a confirmed diagnoses in February of this year.

7. What were some early experiences with depression that had an impact?
I have an ex-wife. Neither she nor I understood what I was going through at the time and I didn’t have the toolbox to communicate what was going on. I think the earliest memorable episodes were the worst because of my inability/unwillingness to communicate openly and honestly.

8. If you write, how does it affect your writing?
My first (TRUNK) novel was apparently an experiment in exploring self. While I attempted to distance myself from my characters and not make the neophyte writer mistake of making each character an extension of my own ego…the wall I had put in place was nothing more than a filter for my conscious …meanwhile my subconscious was letting it all hang out. Yes, I submitted that novel for publication. Yes, it was rejected by both publishers and agents. When I was far enough (in time) from the novel and reread it, I realized that I had essentially wrote the dark fantasy biography of myself dealing with my own depression. I sent it off to an editor in NYC (*wave to LAG*) and paid to have her eviscerate the novel…and she did, and told me what I already knew at that time: you are simply not ready for publication.
During depression cycles the motivation to write is nonexistent. The writing therefore comes out forced and it lacks voice and character. During hypomanic cycles the writing is rushed and has numerous technical errors (I AM A COMMA SPLICE JUNKIE!). I’ve already discussed hypergraphic episodes — the writing, while prolific, is subconscious dribble.
Some of the best writing that I’ve had deals with PTSD related issues. It’s truthful, emotionally raw, and explorative. It’s also (at this time) very personal writing. And that’s where I’m at with writing (and reading!) today: at this time it’s personal and explorative. It’s about redefining my concept of ‘self.’

9. What have you found useful for coping? What’s NOT useful?
My methods for coping are keeping myself engaged in ‘the real world’ through school, reading, and horses. I also made a conscious decision to NOT take medications to regulate my sleep or moods/behavior. The combination of sleeping pills, and psychoactive medications was turning me into the pharmaceutical equivalent of a zombie. I simply couldn’t create…anything. I however, do NOT recommend for anyone to follow my path and remove themselves from medication without consulting with their doctors first. I spent hours debating with my psychologist as well as my psychiatrist over the different modalities and approaches that we could use — bottom line: it was my educated decision, and I decided it was in my best interest to maintain a creative capacity rather than sit around and be unaffected emotionally by the world. Again, this is what works for me…

10. What advice would you give to a young person, interested in writing, who’s beginning to realise that depression will be part of their life?
Suicide, the alternative to life, may seem like the quick and easy way out. But I’m agnostic man, I don’t know what the hell is waiting for me on the other side… Get help. Try to be open and honest with the people closest to you — it doesn’t mean you have to let them in your business 24/7, but you should at least let them know that you’re ‘having an ‘off’ day.’
Lastly, be realistic in your approach to a professional career in writing. Writing is a mostly solitary exercise, it’s not an intrinsically healthy activity for folks working with depression. The best thing you can do for yourself is work on YOU first: get yourself stabilized physically and emotionally so that you can then focus on writing. An agent wants a relationship with a writer that’s going to be around for tomorrow, and an editor wants to know that the writer they’ve just given an advance to for a series can produce books II and III. Make sure you’re ready to make those commitments, or be honest with yourself in saying that you can’t. There is nothing wrong with writing to discover ‘self.’ I do it all the time.

I’m going to enable anonymous comments…so you can play with anonymity if you prefer.

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